Guess.... yup. I bummed another one. Here's how it happened...
Situation: I was selecting what I need to read to write my take-home midterm (two 5-7 page-papers) on International Politics. I figured out that I have around 200 pages to read, plus writing 2 essays. I panicked.
On top of that, I will have to write about finance - the 2007/8 crisis, WTO, IMF, oil and gas industries, European Union and the rise of China. I mean, I can pick 3 topics, but I can't escape finance, because that is the main topic. Argh. I don't know much - to be honest, I don't know anything about the reasons that caused the crisis. Not even my TA (teacher assistant) does. However, I have to write a paper on it. The other paper is on World War I, II and Cold War, or WWI and the Cuban Missile Crisis (which I haven't read the book - another 200 pages). So I picked WW I, II and Cold War. That is just reading, because it's a topic that I really like. But finances...argh.
So I got nervous and decided to go grab some chips and diet coke. This is gonna be a long night. I hope I can get my ass to the park tomorrow and run a good 5 miles. I did power yoga, today, by the way.
The cig: I bumped into a person lighting up a cigarette as I left my building. Ha. No questions asked. I popped the question: "Can I buy a cigarette from you, please?" I'm pathetic. Seriously. Yes, and he gave me one. Not my brand, but it gave me my fix.
I should bury myself in my litter box.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Day 3: Bad Kitty
I just bummed a cigarette from a dude on the street. I was becoming a homicidal bitch.
Today was laundry day, and both elevators that led to the basement, where the laundry room is, were being fixed by the time I was supposed to pick up my laundry. I hate leaving laundry in the dryer because people go there and get your laundry out, and only God knows where they are going to leave your laundry. So, I always get to the laundry room in time, but not today.
Up til now, I didn't know that I lived in a labyrinth. If you need stairs to go down to the basement, you need to have a GPS or be Harry Potter. You need magic. The stairs didn't lead to the basement. The stair at the basement only led to the street. The stairs on the first floor only led to the second floor. ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!
After 20 minutes running around (and inside, and out, and inside again) the building, the elevators finally got back to work. And I got back to the laundry room 20 minutes late. As Murphy's Law says, if something can go wrong, it WILL go wrong. My laundry had been just moved out somewhere in the laundry room. I hate that. It seems like there is some spy waiting with a clock for the minute the dryer stops, to come in and get all your clean laundry out and deposit it wherever.
I was already stressed out because I hadn't smoked in 48 hours. So it just added to my frustration.
I was almost going to the grocery store to buy a pack, just so I could have one. But then I saw, through my 6th floor window, someone smoking downstairs, on the street. I rushed downstairs before he moved out - a desperate attempt to bum a cig.
The guy was nice and gave me one. Now I feel much, much more relaxed. I'm not a homicidal bitch anymore. Now I'm just a plain bad kitty.
Today was laundry day, and both elevators that led to the basement, where the laundry room is, were being fixed by the time I was supposed to pick up my laundry. I hate leaving laundry in the dryer because people go there and get your laundry out, and only God knows where they are going to leave your laundry. So, I always get to the laundry room in time, but not today.
Up til now, I didn't know that I lived in a labyrinth. If you need stairs to go down to the basement, you need to have a GPS or be Harry Potter. You need magic. The stairs didn't lead to the basement. The stair at the basement only led to the street. The stairs on the first floor only led to the second floor. ARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!
After 20 minutes running around (and inside, and out, and inside again) the building, the elevators finally got back to work. And I got back to the laundry room 20 minutes late. As Murphy's Law says, if something can go wrong, it WILL go wrong. My laundry had been just moved out somewhere in the laundry room. I hate that. It seems like there is some spy waiting with a clock for the minute the dryer stops, to come in and get all your clean laundry out and deposit it wherever.
I was already stressed out because I hadn't smoked in 48 hours. So it just added to my frustration.
I was almost going to the grocery store to buy a pack, just so I could have one. But then I saw, through my 6th floor window, someone smoking downstairs, on the street. I rushed downstairs before he moved out - a desperate attempt to bum a cig.
The guy was nice and gave me one. Now I feel much, much more relaxed. I'm not a homicidal bitch anymore. Now I'm just a plain bad kitty.
Day 2 - Thursdays: the day of the truth
Yesterday (day 2) was the day of the truth: scale day, just like in "The Biggest Loser." However, no good news: I gained 3 pounds. :(
Other than that, it was a great day: I ran 4 miles at Central Park in the morning, ate healthy and didn't smoke. I almost smoked after dinner, though. Almost, but I didn't.
Other than that, it was a great day: I ran 4 miles at Central Park in the morning, ate healthy and didn't smoke. I almost smoked after dinner, though. Almost, but I didn't.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Day 1 - Outside kitty litter, then back inside kitty litter....
I should be working on my school stuff. But I am having a f***ing craving. I'm also trying to clean up my potty mouth - I curse a lot. But let's go back to the cigs.
I did fine today. Did some yoga in the morning. Loved it. My favorite cigarette of the day is in the morning, as soon as I have my black coffee. Today I had my black coffee, but instead of a cig, I carried a mug with Jasmine Green Tea to class.
Anyway, mid-way through the day, I had to have a cig. I got out of one class and was walking towards another, and all I had in mind was a pretty Marlboro Lights (my favorite brand). Damn. I was going nuts. I noticed, after a while, that I was nervously twisting my hands, and making a fist, and twisting them again.... while walking to another class. Dude, I swear to you: I looked crazy. So I decided to ask somebody on the street to give me a cig: yes, I bummed a cig from someone.
It felt great while it lasted. Then, I felt guilty. I felt so small, and so shameful that I wanted to cry. I spent 1/2 of my class trying to tell myself that it was OK. But I still felt like crying. I felt like I was buried inside a kitty litter. :(
So I haven't smoked since 1:10 pm, and it's 9:19 pm now. 8 fucking hours. And I'm craving again. VERY BADLY. I'm almost texting somebody to give me a cig. But people in my building don't smoke. I'm almost walking to the grocery store, in this horrible New York cold (I'm moving from Southern California, so it is terribly cold for me here!). I have to control myself and that's why I'm talking to you.
I've overeaten again. I didn't eat at all during the day, and now I over-ate. And ate sugary snacks after that - which I don't usually do, since I actually don't like processed sugar. So now, not only I feel guilty for overeating, but I'm also craving for a f***ing cigarette. Double-double. Damn. Luckily enough there is no In-N-Out in NYC. Otherwise I would've found my way to it....and would feel triple guilt.
Ok. Let's see if I can actually get some work done now. The plan for tomorrow is to wake up at 6:45 again, do some school reading and then go run in Central Park. Let's see how much of it I can accomplish. 'later, aligator!
I did fine today. Did some yoga in the morning. Loved it. My favorite cigarette of the day is in the morning, as soon as I have my black coffee. Today I had my black coffee, but instead of a cig, I carried a mug with Jasmine Green Tea to class.
Anyway, mid-way through the day, I had to have a cig. I got out of one class and was walking towards another, and all I had in mind was a pretty Marlboro Lights (my favorite brand). Damn. I was going nuts. I noticed, after a while, that I was nervously twisting my hands, and making a fist, and twisting them again.... while walking to another class. Dude, I swear to you: I looked crazy. So I decided to ask somebody on the street to give me a cig: yes, I bummed a cig from someone.
It felt great while it lasted. Then, I felt guilty. I felt so small, and so shameful that I wanted to cry. I spent 1/2 of my class trying to tell myself that it was OK. But I still felt like crying. I felt like I was buried inside a kitty litter. :(
So I haven't smoked since 1:10 pm, and it's 9:19 pm now. 8 fucking hours. And I'm craving again. VERY BADLY. I'm almost texting somebody to give me a cig. But people in my building don't smoke. I'm almost walking to the grocery store, in this horrible New York cold (I'm moving from Southern California, so it is terribly cold for me here!). I have to control myself and that's why I'm talking to you.
I've overeaten again. I didn't eat at all during the day, and now I over-ate. And ate sugary snacks after that - which I don't usually do, since I actually don't like processed sugar. So now, not only I feel guilty for overeating, but I'm also craving for a f***ing cigarette. Double-double. Damn. Luckily enough there is no In-N-Out in NYC. Otherwise I would've found my way to it....and would feel triple guilt.
Ok. Let's see if I can actually get some work done now. The plan for tomorrow is to wake up at 6:45 again, do some school reading and then go run in Central Park. Let's see how much of it I can accomplish. 'later, aligator!
Why Kitty Litter
I started this blog because I've been fighting against my cigarette smoking habit for quite a while. On top of that, I stopped exercising, put on weight, came back to being a carnivore and feel depressed like I haven't been in many years. The journey back to inner balance is tough. I am a joke among my friends now every time I say, "I'm quitting this time!" People roll their eyes.
Same with being vegetarian. Believe it or not, I even tried to be raw vegan in the beginning of the year! But now I basically eat meat everyday. It wouldn't be that much of a big deal - or, at least, not as much as smoking a pack a day- if it weren't for the fact that my body doesn't process animal fat/protein well. And I have a history of high cholesterol, as well.
You might be thinking, "If you know all that, why do you keep smoking, eating meat, and not exercising?" Well, I have a prompt answer to that: I don't have the time. I'm an undergrad at Columbia University (just transferred from a community college in CA), and I have approximately 500-600 pages of reading per week plus 2 papers a week.
But that is not the truth. I mean, I really am a student at Columbia, and I DO have all that amount of workload, but that is not the reason why I can't change my habits. That actually is my excuse.
I don't know the answer to your question. I just know that I feel the need to write about this journey, and hopefully, it will help me keep on track.
The compromise here is to log the good and the bad days. The days of success and the days of ...not so much success- I don't like the word 'failure'. I prefer to think of it as a temporary lack of success.
Same with being vegetarian. Believe it or not, I even tried to be raw vegan in the beginning of the year! But now I basically eat meat everyday. It wouldn't be that much of a big deal - or, at least, not as much as smoking a pack a day- if it weren't for the fact that my body doesn't process animal fat/protein well. And I have a history of high cholesterol, as well.
You might be thinking, "If you know all that, why do you keep smoking, eating meat, and not exercising?" Well, I have a prompt answer to that: I don't have the time. I'm an undergrad at Columbia University (just transferred from a community college in CA), and I have approximately 500-600 pages of reading per week plus 2 papers a week.
But that is not the truth. I mean, I really am a student at Columbia, and I DO have all that amount of workload, but that is not the reason why I can't change my habits. That actually is my excuse.
I don't know the answer to your question. I just know that I feel the need to write about this journey, and hopefully, it will help me keep on track.
The compromise here is to log the good and the bad days. The days of success and the days of ...not so much success- I don't like the word 'failure'. I prefer to think of it as a temporary lack of success.
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