Day 1 - Outside kitty litter, then back inside kitty litter....

I should be working on my school stuff. But I am having a f***ing craving. I'm also trying to clean up my potty mouth - I curse a lot. But let's go back to the cigs.

I did fine today. Did some yoga in the morning.  Loved it. My favorite cigarette of the day is in the morning, as soon as I have my black coffee. Today I had my black coffee, but instead of a cig, I carried a mug with Jasmine Green Tea to class.

Anyway, mid-way through the day, I had to have a cig. I got out of one class and was walking towards another, and all I had in mind was a pretty Marlboro Lights (my favorite brand). Damn. I was going nuts. I noticed, after a while, that I was nervously twisting my hands, and making a fist, and twisting them again.... while walking to another class. Dude, I swear to you: I looked crazy. So I decided to ask somebody on the street to give me a cig: yes, I bummed a cig from someone.

It felt great while it lasted. Then, I felt guilty. I felt so small, and so shameful that I wanted to cry. I spent 1/2 of my class trying to tell myself that it was OK. But I still felt like crying. I felt like I was buried inside a kitty litter. :(

So I haven't smoked since 1:10 pm, and it's 9:19 pm now. 8 fucking hours. And I'm craving again. VERY BADLY. I'm almost texting somebody to give me a cig. But people in my building don't smoke. I'm almost walking to the grocery store, in this horrible New York cold (I'm moving from Southern California, so it is terribly cold for me here!). I have to control myself and that's why I'm talking to you.

I've overeaten again. I didn't eat at all during the day, and now I over-ate. And ate sugary snacks after that - which I don't usually do, since I actually don't like processed sugar. So now, not only I feel guilty for overeating, but I'm also craving for a f***ing cigarette. Double-double. Damn. Luckily enough there is no In-N-Out in NYC. Otherwise I would've found my way to it....and would feel triple guilt.

Ok. Let's see if I can actually get some work done now. The plan for tomorrow is to wake up at 6:45 again, do some school reading and then go run in Central Park. Let's see how much of it I can accomplish. 'later, aligator!